8w4d

I LOOK:
Like a pimply teenagers. I have five or six big zits with more appearing daily. My stomach is changing a bit, mainly just firming up under the extra skin but you can't tell by looking at me.

I FEEL:
Nauseous. Nauseous all the time. In the morning when I wake up, after I eat breakfast, and at night after dinner are the worst times. The middle of the day has been pretty "normal" but that may have to do with the fact that last week was the first week of school and I was incredibly busy. I have thrown up several times in the evening... usually directly after I eat. I'm also exhausted contstantly; however, this could have more to do with the first week of school than with being pregnant.

I CRAVE:
nothing. I don't particularly want to eat.

I THINK:

• this part of pregnancy sucks. Feeling nauseous without being able to throw up is worse than actually throwing up.
• baby names are coming even though Dave keeps vetoing them
• sleep is good.

I HOPE:

that God protects this baby as he/she grows healthy and at our next appointment we'll see a happy moving baby. Selfishly, I'd really like the morning/all day sickness to ease itself quickly.

DOCs SAY:

next appointment is at 10w5d

Week 5

Just spent the last full week on a cruise with my parents and family friends without spilling the beans--super proud of myself! Although the flipside of that is that it doesn't quite seem real that there is a tiny baby growing inside of me.

For my sake and the fact that I am not talking to anyone about this yet (and Dave doesn't really have a desire to hear everything), here is what's going on with my body:

I LOOK:
exactly the same, minus the tired eyes from being unable to sleep soundly

I FEEL:
strange all the time--when I have to go to the bathroom, I have to go NOW or I get pretty intense cramps. I have random strange girgles coming from my lower stomach. Tired doesn't even cover the exhaustion. My contacts never seem to be clear and the world looks a bit blurry in them (perfectly fine in my glasses). Thankfully, I have had very little nausea and the little I did have was because I ate breakfast too late.

I CRAVE:
bread--any type. On the cruise that translated into a lot of sour dough rolls and several toasted plain bagels for breakfast.

I THINK:
sleep is good and I should be able to sleep well in my own bed tonight.

I HOPE:
my head cold goes away on its own
this baby keeps growing healthy in my tummy
that during next week's appointment we can see and hear the baby

DOCs SAY:
no medicine (that actually works) for this cold... grrr

Oh my, that hunch was REAL

Thursday night I could barely sleep. I keep thinking about the possibilities of pregnancy, then I'd reassure myself that it couldn't really happen and I shouldn't be getting excited and the cycle would repeat itself. DH got up and went to work early (it was the big day of job continuation); I got up at 6:55 am and immediately went to the bathroom. I peed into a cup and quickly jumped into the car and drove to CVS to get a pregnancy test.

I dipped the test into the cup and set it down in the half-done closet. Within one minute it was incredibly clear that there was a plus sign on the little screen. OH MY! Called kaiser to get an appointment to confirm and was told that I didn't need an appointment instead just walk into the ObGyn Nurse Clinic. Thirty minutes later, it was confirmed with another urine test--I am PREGNANT!

Between the shock of "we're going to have a baby" to the repetitive thought of "holy cow, this was suppose to take a year" to the slight panic of motherhood, I tried to go and get things "done" for the cruise. My entire day was consumed with the cycle of these thoughts.

And of course, my hunch was right and I should have let the Ob "confirm my pregnancy" when I was there in Fontana last week. The first day of my last period was June 15, 2010 so that puts my estimate due date at March 22. I highly doubt that that would be accurate considering the length of my period cycle with PCOS.

Our first real appointment is August 17.

Questioning

Logically I know that it isn't possible, but I have a deep down feeling that I may actually be pregnant right now. It has been in the back of my mind for the past four days and it is all consuming.

According to my basil temp monitoring, I haven't ovulated in the part 102 days. I did have two days of spotting 51 days ago and 37 days before that. So being pregnant right now isn't really an option.

But still, the nightly tummy ache I've had this week and the overwhelming tiredness I have been experiencing, makes me think...

I am too scared to take a pregnancy test because I could almost tell you right now that it CAN'T be positive.